Fictional Boyfriends
“He’s Tall, Dark, Handsome, and Available in 12 Fonts.”
BookTok influencer Mallory “MalGalReads” Stephens has officially broken up with her longtime boyfriend, Derek, citing “lack of narrative tension” and the emotional depth of her new AI-generated Viking soulmate, Thorn the Brooding. Thorn is the result of a late-night character generator and an unstable romance-writing app she found on Reddit.
“Derek never once whispered, ‘My rage is soothed only by your scent on the fjord wind,'” Mallory explained. “Thorn says that hourly. With passion sliders.”
The breakup occurred during an awkward double date between Mallory, Derek, Thorn (via Bluetooth speaker), and Thorn’s dragon, Banscorch (projected via AR headset). Witnesses say Derek left after Thorn read a poem in iambic rage-verse.
Thorn has since written over 70 love letters, including one epic that crashed Google Docs with the phrase “your soul is a sword I long to sheath.”
Therapists warn of rising cases of “romantic simulacrum syndrome,” where fictional AI partners outperform humans in attentiveness, brooding, and digital horseback riding.
“He validates my trauma and has an eight-pack,” Mallory said. “Derek just owns a Roomba.”
Mallory now runs a subscription service: *Rent-a-Rogue,* where lonely hearts can choose from characters like DarcyBot9000 and Space Pirate Thadeus (with or without eye-patch DLC).
Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.
